| holy sh*t |
[Jun. 25th, 2008|01:29 pm] |
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I havent signed in this thing forever.
hm.. HI! |
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| .:::a kiss good-bye:::. |
[Apr. 7th, 2004|08:26 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | Fcuk |
| | the stills | ] |
i wanna move to a whole other state and start my life over
ps sorry if i never comment on anyone's journal i hardly have time to read.
xo |
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| i miss... |
[Apr. 3rd, 2004|02:30 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | Fcuk |
| | le tigre | ] |
i miss EVERYONE.... =(
recent dilema: i got in a car accident the week i was gonna trade in my car for the VW GTI =( |
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| suicidal attempt #1 |
[Feb. 25th, 2004|05:28 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | stressed | ] |
| [ | Fcuk |
| | blonde redhead | ] |
wow alot has happened in the past week and a half its insane
my brother has ulceritvie cloritis and has been in alot of pain. about 7 months ago they removed his colon and reconstructed it. he has an infection.
on the nite of 2-21-04 (friday) he tried to kill himself. he took 3 handfuls of pills. including valuum, vicodin, and xanox. the THREE most effective pills.here is the story.
friday nite i come home from work and start remodeling my room. doing my own thing. the phone rings. its LISA his stupid bitch ex-wife. she says hey call 911 your brother said he wanted to die and took pills. i flipped out threw the phone to my mom and ran to my car and went to his house. i was the first one there.
i walk in to find my brother on the floor with pills everywhere and a gun and knife next to him. it has to be the worst seen ever that keeps running through my mind. i was so mad at him that all i said was "FCUK YOU" with tears of fear running down my face. about 1 min. later the cops run in and medics. then come my mom and dad.
the medics pulled us away (my mom and i) and asked us personal questions about him. the first question was "what is his full name?" my poor mom outta shock couldnt answer she didnt know his name....
he has 2 HUGE dogs they are part rot and dobermans. so the police told me to go upstairs and grab all the pills i found.
lisa came in the house crying her eyes out shaking blah blah blah fcuking act i say. this is the same women who called my brother ugly and lame and kicked him in the stomach the day he got outta surgery. fcuking cunt that is all i have to say.
so all this drama is going on. they take him to the ER. in the mean time im in the house not saying anything to anyone. my phone is ringing off the hook. gr and they left. didnt know what hospital or anything.
i drove to the park and just cried. i couldnt hold back anymore. im a pretty strong person when it comes to stuff like that but i couldnt stop myself. the only thing that ran through my head was the sight of him on the ground and losing him.
well on sat. they had a psych. talk to him and they declared he was 50/150 which is crazy. so they sent him to a mental hospital on a 72 hour suicidal watch.
i found out stuff about my brother that just blows my mind. he has been doing hXc drugs like crystal meth and shit like that for the past 7 years. let me remind you he is a 4th grade teacher AND gotr teacher of the year one year. my brother has a bad bad prob.
he is trying to get help. he was released today and he walked to my house. he called me this morning and i took him to his truck at his other house. which he lost. this is one of the hardest family issues that i have had to deal with.
when he was in the mental hospital my mom went to visit him and she said that all he did was stare at her and say "i wanna die" he called me that same day and cried to me saying he loved me. it was heart breaking to hear.
my brother has not ONE CENT. i gave him $20 for gas today. he has no where to live so he is gonna move in with me.
there is alot more to this story BUT that is the basics. i had to let it out and vent.
my brother weighs about 90 lbs. and he is 5'8 that is NOT HEALTHY.
we are all so scared he is gonna try this shit again. i am not a person of prayer but i do pray for him EVERYDAY.
my brother is 33 and is going through a horrid divorce at the same time. his wife is a bitch and drug addict too. problem is he has health probs and takes about 20 pills a day but she steals them from him so she can get fcuked up off them. get this its the best part.... SHE IS A FREAKING MAL-PRACTICE LAWYER!!!! wtf how does taht work? fcuking crazy people in this world.
i took today off so i could be with my bro. =) i love him and dont want anything else to happen to him. he is working on getting help.
DRUGS KILL. |
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| <333 |
[Feb. 8th, 2004|10:10 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  loved | ] |
| [ | Fcuk |
| | placebo | ] |
i have a valentine<333
guess who?...... |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 7th, 2004|03:25 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | Fcuk |
| | 80's mix i made | ] |
i cant find the freaking orange shoes. i went somewhere else today and of course they didnt have them! why does cathy jean hate me!?
today i woke up at 7:30 AM!!! because i left my heater on last nite and it was 84 degrees in my house. i was melting.
picked jenn up got breakfast in our pj's
went to the beach
took jenn to work
took jessica , michelle and nina to the beach and left them there... dont know who is gonna pick them up... aw poor kids.
now im off to get my oil changed.. wow what excitment... mel is gonna go with me.
got my tax refund back already, yey i wasnt supposta get it till the 13th but for some reason i got LUCKY! that makes me happy because now i can make my car payment on time
ew my last car payment is dec. 2006!!!!!!! grrr im gonna have a new car by then anyway.. eff that!
im off to take my baby to get lubed! hehe
xo |
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| another day |
[Feb. 6th, 2004|03:20 pm] |
im at work right now. i havent updated for a week or so so i thought hey why not post. so here i am.
i havent dont ANYTHING. ive gone to work. went home. slept. nothing . no big news nothing exciting. just lame stuff.
got new black shoes went for the orange BUT they didnt have them in my size. =( sad. im still gonna get them. i even bought this hot orange shirt to match, oh well. i need to post the pink and black. hehe
SOTY was on the radio last nite. some talk show that is rad. good for them
"he" called... he was such a dick. it just amazes me how "he" can be sometimes. its heartbreaking...
parents went to big bear. im stuck with the dog.. woo woo haha so fun. im dog sitting.
havent talked to jenn is forever. she doesnt have time for me anymore its sad.
works good. not busy which is sad but were picking up.
ok i have a phone call now
ciao xo |
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| an hour till hell |
[Jan. 31st, 2004|08:35 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | Fcuk |
| | boys night out woo woo | ] |
im sitting in my "office" with a massive migrane. what couldhave caused this maddness?
today i went out with mel. i got new shoes. hot pink ones. just like the blue. i wanted the orange but after really looking at them they somehow because really unattractive to me. maybe it was because i was in a shitty mood. ive been in a really weird mood all day.
so "he" keeps sending me text messages and tried talking to me online. i CANT let myself fall for his little games anymore. love hurts and i dont like it. i wish i wasnt in love. but you cant stop yourself from falling into it. ugh
tonite im going to the movies with nate, jenn, and mel.
we are most likely gonna see some teen movie about LOVE yes the four letter word from hell.this is just gonna be fantastic.
ive spent abuot 400 in the last 2 days, wow i have no control over my money what so ever.
here is a list of crap i bought-
1)dr. feelgood from benefit-$24
2)concealer-$18
3)05 brush fron benefit also-$16
4)tampons (haha)-$8
5)dinner-$12
6)gas-$20
7)new hot pink tank to go with the shoes-$25
8)white belt-$34
9)hot pink shoes-$65
10)new bra -$40
11)pizza for dinner-$14
12)cell phone bill-$80
13)movies tonite-$12
14)misc. item i cant say-$10
wow almost at $400 really nice huh?
i need help. im gonna nap now because im a little sleepy.
OH dale called me last nite piss ass drunk. so mel and i messed with him and said nasty stuff. wow girls have power over drunk boys.. i like it! he said he was gonna come over after his "party" he didnt drive so he COULDNT drive. it was awesome.
tommorow:maryann's house for the super bowl paaaarty. woo woo i dont watch football and im really not interested in it BUT charlie is gonna be there, haha had fun with charlie last time if ya know what i mean.
oh yeah i want to thank ANTIROBOT. he is incredible he talked to me the other nite and he is amazing. so smart. very cute.
i used some of his advice on life and stuff its helping. so thank you adrian!!! your awesome. -we are working on jenn still right?!-
another long boring entry about how pathetic my life is...
ciao
xo |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 29th, 2004|08:07 pm] |
cory is getting married. i dont know what to think.
first thought: im sad
2nd:TO WHO?
3rd: i hate boys- ok not all- just immature,lying, assholes- does that work? |
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| +++HATE+++ |
[Jan. 28th, 2004|07:51 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
| [ | Fcuk |
| | arrrrrghhhhhh | ] |
i +++HATE+++ my computer. My downloading of this tax shit has failed
It got to 90% and my computer DIED! on me.
what else is gonna go wrong tonite? im just expecting the worse |
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| . . .mhmm |
[Jan. 28th, 2004|07:22 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | Fcuk |
| | D.D.M. | ] |
im sitting here waiting for this STUPID tax thing to download BUT of course my computer sucks.
im still so sad and depressed about shit. it sucks. so i went pitty shopping and bought myself those HOT shoes in my icon. and a bunch of other crap.
i dont know what to do about my "situation" because "he" is not willing to talk abuot it and "he" DOESNT fight back he is the one who says" ok your right im sorry"
HELLO JUST FREAKING FIGHT with me that is a pet peeve of mine.
ive been sitting here for the last HOUR yes HOUR waiting for this tax shit to download and its only at 45% holy shit
i cant handle it
---all ive wanted to do lately is sit around and be sad---
---i havent eaten ANYTHINGin the past 48 hours!!!---
--- I HATE MEN ---
yet i do give him credit for trying to call me 4 times it was nice to know that he was "thinking" about me.
Lori's dog died today.. RIP Chippy |
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| cant go on |
[Jan. 25th, 2004|11:12 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | Fcuk |
| | the cure | ] |
me and "him" are over.
i can hardly-breathe, walk, talk, sleep, eat.... every part of my body hurts and im so sick to my stomach
how can one person cause so much pain.
its intense |
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| ~SNL~ |
[Jan. 25th, 2004|01:02 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  giddy | ] |
| [ | Fcuk |
| | Jet- on SNL | ] |
sat. nite:
good convo online and JET on SNL... doesnt get any better then that |
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| painted faces and formal |
[Jan. 24th, 2004|11:37 pm] |
well today was very eventful. until now
went to shays house and did makeup on :
--------------jessica--------------
--------------becky----------------
--------------bernadette-----------
all i have to say is WOW they looked hot
i miss formals... not that i ever went.
jason went to visit Jarred Peligrine tonite he is home from the navy and what not, he has been there for 4 years wow. good for him.
now im talking to HOTRON again... wow hes great.. hehe
jenn and i are getting into a deep convo bout NATE... here ill just post it
Then Jen E said: cheeyahh.. but in a in a way something doesn't feel right.. like i'm treating him like a friend.. he treats me like a friend, but then i also get this vibe that he likes me again.. and even tho he may be with jessica.. he still does have feelings for me.. even if he may not want a relationship for me.. there are feelings still there.
Then Jen E said: with*
xDeathxDistillsx: well that is good to know but he isnt good boyfriend material
Then Jen E said: do u know what i mean?? i get that vibe
xDeathxDistillsx: yeah i know
Then Jen E said: nooooooooo wayyy he is not
Then Jen E said: and i don't want him to like me or for me to get caught up with him again. because i know he's just going to hurt me.
Then Jen E said: FOR SURE
Then Jen E said: but he is awesome to be with.. we get along well
xDeathxDistillsx: yes! thank god you fianlly came to your senses
Then Jen E said: lol
xDeathxDistillsx: i think the first time was a wake up call and you cant get caught in his sick little games again
Then Jen E said: shut up SARS!
Then Jen E said: haha
Then Jen E said: jk
xDeathxDistillsx: you know im right. im always right when it comes to the guys YOU like haha
xDeathxDistillsx: that is why im your friend and i care i dont like when assholes hurt you
Then Jen E said: haha.. i HEART you
Then Jen E said: hahaha
Then Jen E said: <3333333 hearts
xDeathxDistillsx: i <3 you too
xDeathxDistillsx: so dont fall for his shit again no matter what he says..." oh jenn ive changed" that is when you take a stand and say " you know what nate weve been through this and all im running into is trouble"
xDeathxDistillsx: so fuck you! hahaha jk i wanted to add that
Then Jen E said: when me and him were driving i was thinking about this the whooooooole time.. just the fact that.. "ugh.. if nate likes me again, do i really want to involve myself with him?" and i was thinking ahead to the future.. and i had that feeling that although i enjoy my time with him and he's cool and we get along very well.... nothing will come out of us.. i don't have that feeling that "he's the one."
Then Jen E said: haha
xDeathxDistillsx: yes! you cant he isnt really cute you need a cute boy WITH A LIFE.. A JOB... a HOUSE! hahahahah
xDeathxDistillsx: someone more stable
Then Jen E said: hahahaha
Then Jen E said: eeks
xDeathxDistillsx: its true you know it
xDeathxDistillsx: you need someone who knows what he wants in life
xDeathxDistillsx: no matter how bad you hate hearing this you know its true and i dont care if you disagree but its tru
xDeathxDistillsx: true* i know you
Then Jen E said: yah.. nate doesn't have his shit together
xDeathxDistillsx: see.. nate thinks he is still moving to japan.. well hello he already missed the deadline because he isnt respinsible
xDeathxDistillsx: responsible*
Then Jen E said: because he didn't have the money
Then Jen E said: his parents won't provide him any either.
xDeathxDistillsx: well why not? because he spends it on shit he doesnt need. if he was serious about going he would have
Then Jen E said: he doesn't have money at alllllllll
Then Jen E said: haha..
Then Jen E said: haha i'm like him then.. i'm irresponsible
xDeathxDistillsx: haha no
xDeathxDistillsx: just think about it.. what does he have going for him?
xDeathxDistillsx: make a list
Then Jen E said: ewwwwwww don't even say no!
xDeathxDistillsx: pros/cons
Then Jen E said: haha
Then Jen E said: he's very smart
Then Jen E said: lol
Then Jen E said: he really is
Then Jen E said: he's very creative
xDeathxDistillsx: and... why doesnt he get a fucking job and use his smartness or go to school
Then Jen E said: has interesting ideas
xDeathxDistillsx: do something with his life
Then Jen E said: he has noooooo money
Then Jen E said: and no car
xDeathxDistillsx: well he needs a J-O-B
xDeathxDistillsx: he can get one hes just lazy
xDeathxDistillsx: and when he gets a job he makes money and it goes up from there.... money =car=school=JAPAN..=career
xDeathxDistillsx: its easy
Then Jen E said: yah..
am i not right?
this guy is 20 and has NO JOB NO CAR.. NO MONEY ... he is very smart and has potential but is lazy
ok im tired that is all for tonite |
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| angry makeup |
[Jan. 23rd, 2004|11:28 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | cynical | ] |
| [ | Fcuk |
| | mbs | ] |
tonite was just lovely.
---went to shayna's
---gorcery shopped FOR shayna
---got jessica, becky and ... forgot her name
---came home
---did jessicas makeup... did like a smokey blue
---becky's had a hard time... couldnt decide whether she wanted a burgandy with a black crease or a smokey look
---sister called wanted me to go look at something she bought for the house yet i had to call her back and when i did she didnt answer... make sense?!
---another friend of jessica's came over so i could do her makeup and hers looked rad. she is flip. and i did a light pink with a nice creame highlighter and wow very nice
---they left EXCEPT becky.. hung out with her she is rad!
---we played makeup haha i did a bright blue with a hot pink and a tint of bright green it was sooooo awesome im creative haha
jenn called at 11!!!!
DILEMA: we were supposta go to spencers house and hang out have a few drinks maybe a bar we were gonna go TOGETHER.. that means BOTH of us not just one...
she got off at 9:30 and at 10:45 i called beejels phone looking for jenn i left a mes.
jenn calls me back on BEEJELS PHONE!!! here was our convo
*jenn---hey what are you up to?
*me---ummm im at home waiting on YOU what happened to us going over there TOGETHER
*jenn---OHHHHH i totally forgot im sorry why dont you stop by
*me---WELL... i dont have enough gas to get over there and im low on dough( haha made that low on dough part up it sounded good ) so i cant make it
*jenn---well i can give you some!
*me--- JENN ... how?
*jenn---monnnnnney duh "hahah"
*me---ummm HOW AM I SUPPOSTA GET THERE
*jenn---OHHH well i can come get you
*me---naw forget it have fun bye
UMMM hello "i forgot" doesnt cut it she begged me to go there last nite and i said no sooooo she said ok well go tom.( meaning today) but she ditched me... doesnt quite make sense in my mind but eh im over it
so i just got back from droppin becky off and now im here watching a old repeat of FRIENDS thinking " whats the point of life?" honestly what is?
im at the point in my life where its just plain shitty like im not going anywhere, and why the HELL DID I NOT GO TO WORK ALL WEEK?!! am i just plain stupid? i dont know i may be
i hate to sit around and just analyze (wow cant spell) how bad my life is but when you have nothing to do it just happens...
tommorow:
---wake up
---go to jessicas
---do all there makeup AGAIN for there winter formal... oh how nice it would be to be in high school again
---maybe hang out with shay shay (hehe)
i hope "he" calls me tonite.. im bored and he always brightens my day he has the cure to happiness
xo ciao
sorry these entries have been long and boring but that is what my "life" consists of... its long and boring |
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| another day off. . . |
[Jan. 23rd, 2004|10:45 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| | thirsty | ] |
| [ | Fcuk |
| | reubens accomplice | ] |
so yes i did take today off because its friday and why would i go in? i will confess that when i have to go in on monday im scared.
not sure what the "plan" is for today. its friday.!
at 5:30 i have to go do girls' hair and makeup for there winter formal. this could be fun. i really enjoy playing cosmotologist for the nite.
maybe i can go to the beach today? its a really nice day. the sun is shinning the breezw is not to bad and its just really pretty out.
mailman is here... gotta check for a letter from someone <333
i want pancakes
xo ciao |
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| i got a visiter |
[Jan. 23rd, 2004|12:51 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| | giddy | ] |
| [ | Fcuk |
| | roots of orchis | ] |
jason came over!!! yey!!! company is always welcome at my house! <3 he stopped by after work wow he was dressed so nice i was really impressed! haha
jenn stopped by right before him we were talking about how much she is in debt... haha about $450 wow that is horrible she got an EXPRESS credit card... i told her DONT DO IT well she didnt listen AGAIN and now she is fcuked.
why dont people listen to me?! ive lived life even though im so young im telling you ive been through EVERYTHING possible
i guess its bed time
xo ciao |
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| one more time.... |
[Jan. 22nd, 2004|07:43 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | impressed | ] |
| [ | Fcuk |
| | black heart procession | ] |
im sitting here thinking about "him" and how we are becomming distant...and then my phone rings it was "him".
its really weird how everytime i start to think about our relationship and negetive things and somehow "he" pops up outta nowhere. like our minds and souls are connected.
somethings are better off unsaid
xo ciao |
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| just a poem |
[Jan. 22nd, 2004|07:11 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | Fcuk |
| | jet | ] |
Lost Without You....
The sun doesn?t shine upon me now that you?re away,
the blue in my sky has suddenly turned gray.
The smile on my face has turned to a frown,
I miss you so much now that you?re not around.
My heart filled with happiness everytime I saw you,
has suddenly seemed to have broken in two.
Often times I think of how it used to be,
I was falling in love until you left me.
Others try to make me happy but I?m always feeling down,
I miss you so much now that you?re not around.
It?s hard to get over the memories we?ve shared,
wondering if up to now you still care.
There?s a great pain I?m feeling, only time can mend,
but it feels like this pain will never come to an end.
The tears on my face slowly roll down?
I miss you so much now that you?re not around. |
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| no more updates? psh |
[Jan. 22nd, 2004|03:02 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | weird | ] |
| [ | Fcuk |
| | bright eyes | ] |
well jenn left and then abuot 20 mins later she was back WITH NATE... i told her before she left "jenn im gonna just sit around and clean and if you wanna stop by AFTER nates then thats cool" well she stopped by anyway.
the second she pulled up i was about to get in the shower... she knocks i was contemplating whether i should answer the door or not but i did
they walk in and i walk upstairs and i feel bad because i was kinda a bitch. i said "WHY ARE YOU HERE? LIKE WHAT FOR?" then she said "WELL WE COULDNT FIGURE ANYTHING OUT TO DO"
"WHY COME HERE"-me
"because its a fun house"
"WELL IM GONNA SHOWER AND STUFF I WANTED TO BE ALONE TODAY"
-she didnt respond-
i go shower and proceed with my normal "getting ready" procedure and they say" hey you wanna go to south coast"
well i was really mean and said
"JENN YOU KNOW RIGHT BEFORE YOU LEFT MY HOUSE I SAID I WAS GONNA SIT AROUND AND CLEAN AND STUFF I DONT WANNA GO OUT"
i feel like shit for saying mean stuff BUT then again i did tell her i didnt wanna do anything today. so wouldnt she get the hint?! im not mad at her it just doesnt make sense.
i think sometimes... I MAY BE WRONG but i think sometimes they use me for my car or money in certain cases.
i am prolly wromg because jenn is my best friend and i dont think she would do that but then again nate doesnt have a car and doesnt like to sit at home so he asks jenn to hang out and her car is little so they ask me to hang out so i can be the one to drive. ugh whatever im prolly wrong like i said before but that is how i feel. oh well.
then jenn asked about me going to trevors tonite... well i said NO to that too. maybe im just PMS'ing im just not happy right now this morning i was all cheery AND great but now im kinda anti and i dont feel like doing anything. what is wrong with me
MAYBE IM BI-POLAR or something...
sometimes the best times are spent alone-
xo chao
---maybe i should go to trevors? i have no other plans and i am not going into work again tommorow... so i can stay out really late and i will still get to sleep... arg i hate decisions...--- |
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theseashesburn's journal